October 23, 2019
One of the most beautiful and intense days of my life.
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| Catching my baby and seeing him for the first time. There are no words to convey the gravity of this moment. Photo by: https://lindsayguerette.com |
Welcome to the world, baby Hudson.
My due date was October 20. I went into labor with Parker at 38 weeks, so in my mind, I was fully expecting to have Hudson at 38 weeks, too! (So around the week of October 6). Every day after week 38 seemed to drag on, and on, and on. Waiting for this baby to come felt like mental torture. I'm too type A to deal with the ambguity of waiting for spontaneous labor. Parker came early so I never had to go through the waiting game.. he just arrived! I honestly felt like my days couldn't be productive because my mind was consumed by "will I go into labor today?" So then it became a count down to my due date. I've had October 20 marked in my calendar for 9 months. It seemed like it should be such a momentous day. However. October 20 came, and went. Nothing special about it. No baby. I felt slightly defeated. I truly felt like this baby was never coming out.
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| 40 weeks pregnant |
The very next day I had an appointment scheduled with my midwife. She checked me, and I was only 1 cm dilated. I again was feeling defeated & was still convinced that this baby was not coming out. My midwife did say however that my cervix was "nice and soft." So- that's a good thing. She recommended getting acupuncture and massage to try to naturally induce labor. I was up for anything, so I immediately went home and scheduled appointments for acupuncture and massage for the VERY next day. My mother in law came over to watch Parker so I could relax and go to my appointments. On Tuesday Oct 22 I went to an acupuncture appointment at 1:00 pm. Ive never had acupuncture before but I totally loved the experience! I was nervous the needles would hurt but I barely felt anything and the entire experience was SO relaxing. It was so good to just feel relaxed, warm, and calm. Not knowing when this baby was coming was building some angst in me - so I loved being able to clear my mind and relax. If you're super pregnant and reading this, I recommend you go see Nadia @ Women's Balanced Health. She was absolutely wonderful. So! I did that in the afternoon. Then I had a massage appointment that night for 8 pm. Another great way to relax. I truly felt pampered and was very grateful for such a good day. I got home from my massage appointment around 9:30 pm. By the time I actually got to bed it was around midnight. I tossed and turned and stared at the clock (sleeping in my last trimester wasn't really a thing). Around 1:30 am I started getting uncomfortable abdominal pain, and I didn't think much of it because 5 days prior I had gone into false labor. It was a Thursday night, and it was very similar to how my labor started with Parker- same time, same circumstances, same feelings. I had a hot bath and my entire stomach would contract- it would go hard, and then release. I had lower back/abdominal cramping. I was convinced this was it. It was happening. So I called my mom and she drove up from Lacombe in the middle of the night- took time off work, and everything. I was convinced it was labor. BUT it wasn't. Tom had even called work and said he wasn't coming in because we thought we were having a baby. But then I laid down and got some rest. When I woke up everything had stopped. Talk about disappointing! So- when I started having abdominal pain this time, I seriously just shrugged it off like, "it's just false labor again. It's not real labour." Since I hadn't yet slept, I stayed in bed and tried to rest. The pain was coming and going fairly consistently- and was picking up intensity. It piqued my interest. So, I decided to get up, go to the bathroom and walk around. Still, consistent pain that was coming and going. It was very manageable pain- it felt like period cramps. So, I filled up the bathtub and woke up Tom saying, "Babe you might want to get up." As I lay in the tub I kept saying to Tom, "I'm not sure if this is real. I dunno. I think it's real. Should I call my mom?" LOL! So then I was like. I'm just going to call my mom. So around 2:30 am I called my mom and she said she'd get her things packed and hit the road at 3:00 am so she would be to our house by 4:30 am. I said- GREAT! At this point I was confident it was labor because the contractions were consistent and the pain kept increasing with every surge. So then Tom called our doula, Aislin, and informed her of the situation. I also called my birth photographer, Lindsay and let her know we were having a baby! I told everyone to come to my house for 4:30 am. That's when my mom was going to arrive so I just figured everyone could come then. I couldn't believe that the acupuncture and massage actually worked! Maybe I was always going to go into labor that night, but I was convinced the acupuncture and massage helped get things going. Tom had started inflating the birth pool and I got out of the bath and tried to start doing my hair/make up. I so badly just wanted to feel human- because of course I go into labor in the middle of the night looking like a complete hot mess lol. So I started curling my hair. I successfully got my hair curled, however, near the end of it my contractions were so strong that they were flooring me. I would literally collapse to the floor in pain.
And when I was on the ground having a contraction I desperately wanted something to hold onto.. so, what was the perfect height and within reach? My son's potty. HA! How glamorous. I'm on the floor in my bathroom clinging to a potty. Hahaha. But every time I would fall the the floor with a contraction my hair would flop over my face, and when I stood up I just kept having to fix it because it was going all over the place. I quickly realized it was a dumb idea to try to do my hair, and that I just wanted it out of my face. So I tried doing a messy bun but my contractions were coming so fast that I literally didn't have time to get my hair into a messy bun because I kept falling to the floor in pain. I was starting to get frustrated at this point and just grabbed an alligator clip and shoved it in my hair to get it out of my face. I quickly regretted my decision of doing my hair and had desperately wished I had done my make up instead. LOL. You couldn't even tell I had spent time on my hair. Dumb. I know it sounds silly to do your hair/make up while in labor however, Im the kind of girl that feels more confident/ready for the day when I feel "put together." I wanted to feel "put together" for labor because it just gives me an extra boost of confidence. Well, the contractions were so painful at this point that there was no way I was about to do my make up. That thought completely went out of my mind as I was so focused on managing my contractions.
At this point, people started arriving to the house. When my mom arrived she came into the bathroom to say hello and the first thing I said is, "MOM IM SO STUPID." She goes, "Hunny you're not stupid, why would you say that?" And I said, "I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN DRUGS!!!!" She just started laughing at me and said "Well Jen! I don't think drugs are gonna happen."
My doula, Aislin put pressure on my back to help me cope with the pain, and Tom was trying to be so sweet to me and bring me all the birth affirmations I had made for myself- but when he brought them to me I yelled and said I didn't want to look at them LOL! I totally thought I would be a graceful birther- but I was not. I was pretty loud, and would smack my feet on the ground and hit my leg on the floor trying to cope with the pain. Tom's mom was also here, so she went into Parker's room to calm him down and get him back to sleep during all the ruckus I was making. I was still labouring in the bathroom at this point, but the birth pool was in my living/dining room area, so I wanted to head to the living room to be closer to the pool and have more space to move around. I made it to the living room, but ended up crumpled up in a ball on the ground trying to manage the intense surges.
Sitting upright was very painful for me, so I honestly didn't move much. Just laid down facing the ground / was on my hands and knees for the entire labor. I had Tom karate chop my lower back with all of his strength, and I was pretty certain I was going to puncture my doula's leg with my fingers with how hard I was squeezing her leg during contractions.
Time seemed to stand still, but fly by all at the same time. I would also grab onto the legs of the couch and hang on for dear life- to the point where I was literally pulling the couch off the wall trying to cope with contractions. I also had a paper towel roll in my hand for some reason and I would take that and hit the floor/couch with it during contractions.. by the end of labor that paper towel roll was crumpled up from me squeezing it so hard. I seriously had envisioned a calm, peaceful labor- while I was calm, I wouldn't say I was peaceful. Hahah. Hitting things, hitting the ground, pulling on the couch, moaning, crying. Ha!
It got to the point when I was laying on the living room floor that I was going into transition. I was getting nervous at this point as the midwife still wasn't here. I had asked where the midwife was, and Tom said she was on the yellowhead on her way. I wanted so badly to get into the birth pool for some pain relief/management but we were waiting for the midwife to get here before getting into the tub. The sensation of transition was absolutely overwhelming. It was all consuming. The most intense thing I have ever experienced. I can't even describe how intense it was for me. My body went into shock. I got the shakes and started vomiting, a lot. I wasn't very aware of my surroundings at this point - I was totally on another planet ( I call it planet SURVIVAL MODE ) but I lost all sense of time, didn't even know who was around me.
I started to feel pressure in my bum and I knew baby was making his way down the birth canal. I was yelling that I was going to start pushing but I was getting nervous the midwife wasn't here yet. Around 5:30 am the midwife arrived, and she immediately said to get into the pool. My mom started filling up the pool with hot water, and I didn't feel I could move or have the strength to get into it, but Tom and Lindsay (birth photographer/also my really good friend) encouraged me to get into the pool. Tom helped me hobble into the birth pool between a contraction and that hot water felt SO GOOD. I was on my knees, clinging to the edge of the pool. I immediately continued pushing once I was in the birth pool.
Pushing almost felt like a relief, compared to the intense contractions I had. While you still have contractions during the pushing phase, it's just... different. Pushing is more satisfying than just plain ol' contractions. My mom says I calmed down during the pushing phase. Since I had an epidural with Parker, I never got to feel what it's like to push. Well let me tell you, it just feels like you are having the biggest poop of YO life. While I was pushing I kept saying, "IM POOPING!!!" And my hilarious midwife said, "You're not pooping! That's your babies head!" And I was like... "No it's not!!! No way that's a baby! I'm pooping!!" I literally screamed that with EVERY push... how classy of me. My midwife is Scottish and her accent just makes everything better and she kept saying, "I know, it feels like the baby is coming out of your butt and not your vagina. But I promise you, it's your baby's head. Keep pushing." I clung to the side of the pool and pushed with my body to bring Hudson out.
My midwife told me to reach down and feel Hudson's head as I was crowning. I felt Hudson's head and couldn't believe a baby as about to exit my body. I felt pretty intense discomfort at this stage as I felt there was no way my body was going to stretch any further and that I was likely going to burst at the seams.
So- cool facts- my water never broke during any of this, and Hudson was actually being born in his amniotic sac. Once his head came out, the pressure of that is what caused my sac to rupture. Caul births are quite rare, so that was kind of neat! I was making loud noises through all of this which kept waking Parker up. Marnie (Tom's mom) brought him out of his room at 6 am while I was on my last push. When Parker walked in, he said "Oh, hi, dad." Then he saw me and he said, "Mom! Stop making that loud noise!" I just looked at him with tired eyes and began pushing and then BOOM! Hudson was out. Born at 6:06 am. I caught him, and leaned back into the pool and held Hudson on my chest. My body and mind was so overwhelmed by what it had just experienced, that I just fell back and kind of physically/mentally collapsed. I was pretty out of it- and didn't have much emotion. I seriously was in a state of shock. I don't think I really said anything or had much reaction. I was just relieved that experience was over and I think my body/mind was trying to cope with what just happened. I laid there with this beautiful, healthy, baby boy on my chest, with my husband and toddler around me. I felt so blessed to be in the comforts of my own home surrounded by my family. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter moment and I'm so grateful Parker was able to see his brother be born. What an amazing experience.
And when I was on the ground having a contraction I desperately wanted something to hold onto.. so, what was the perfect height and within reach? My son's potty. HA! How glamorous. I'm on the floor in my bathroom clinging to a potty. Hahaha. But every time I would fall the the floor with a contraction my hair would flop over my face, and when I stood up I just kept having to fix it because it was going all over the place. I quickly realized it was a dumb idea to try to do my hair, and that I just wanted it out of my face. So I tried doing a messy bun but my contractions were coming so fast that I literally didn't have time to get my hair into a messy bun because I kept falling to the floor in pain. I was starting to get frustrated at this point and just grabbed an alligator clip and shoved it in my hair to get it out of my face. I quickly regretted my decision of doing my hair and had desperately wished I had done my make up instead. LOL. You couldn't even tell I had spent time on my hair. Dumb. I know it sounds silly to do your hair/make up while in labor however, Im the kind of girl that feels more confident/ready for the day when I feel "put together." I wanted to feel "put together" for labor because it just gives me an extra boost of confidence. Well, the contractions were so painful at this point that there was no way I was about to do my make up. That thought completely went out of my mind as I was so focused on managing my contractions.
At this point, people started arriving to the house. When my mom arrived she came into the bathroom to say hello and the first thing I said is, "MOM IM SO STUPID." She goes, "Hunny you're not stupid, why would you say that?" And I said, "I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN DRUGS!!!!" She just started laughing at me and said "Well Jen! I don't think drugs are gonna happen."
My doula, Aislin put pressure on my back to help me cope with the pain, and Tom was trying to be so sweet to me and bring me all the birth affirmations I had made for myself- but when he brought them to me I yelled and said I didn't want to look at them LOL! I totally thought I would be a graceful birther- but I was not. I was pretty loud, and would smack my feet on the ground and hit my leg on the floor trying to cope with the pain. Tom's mom was also here, so she went into Parker's room to calm him down and get him back to sleep during all the ruckus I was making. I was still labouring in the bathroom at this point, but the birth pool was in my living/dining room area, so I wanted to head to the living room to be closer to the pool and have more space to move around. I made it to the living room, but ended up crumpled up in a ball on the ground trying to manage the intense surges.
Sitting upright was very painful for me, so I honestly didn't move much. Just laid down facing the ground / was on my hands and knees for the entire labor. I had Tom karate chop my lower back with all of his strength, and I was pretty certain I was going to puncture my doula's leg with my fingers with how hard I was squeezing her leg during contractions.
Time seemed to stand still, but fly by all at the same time. I would also grab onto the legs of the couch and hang on for dear life- to the point where I was literally pulling the couch off the wall trying to cope with contractions. I also had a paper towel roll in my hand for some reason and I would take that and hit the floor/couch with it during contractions.. by the end of labor that paper towel roll was crumpled up from me squeezing it so hard. I seriously had envisioned a calm, peaceful labor- while I was calm, I wouldn't say I was peaceful. Hahah. Hitting things, hitting the ground, pulling on the couch, moaning, crying. Ha!
It got to the point when I was laying on the living room floor that I was going into transition. I was getting nervous at this point as the midwife still wasn't here. I had asked where the midwife was, and Tom said she was on the yellowhead on her way. I wanted so badly to get into the birth pool for some pain relief/management but we were waiting for the midwife to get here before getting into the tub. The sensation of transition was absolutely overwhelming. It was all consuming. The most intense thing I have ever experienced. I can't even describe how intense it was for me. My body went into shock. I got the shakes and started vomiting, a lot. I wasn't very aware of my surroundings at this point - I was totally on another planet ( I call it planet SURVIVAL MODE ) but I lost all sense of time, didn't even know who was around me.
I started to feel pressure in my bum and I knew baby was making his way down the birth canal. I was yelling that I was going to start pushing but I was getting nervous the midwife wasn't here yet. Around 5:30 am the midwife arrived, and she immediately said to get into the pool. My mom started filling up the pool with hot water, and I didn't feel I could move or have the strength to get into it, but Tom and Lindsay (birth photographer/also my really good friend) encouraged me to get into the pool. Tom helped me hobble into the birth pool between a contraction and that hot water felt SO GOOD. I was on my knees, clinging to the edge of the pool. I immediately continued pushing once I was in the birth pool.
Pushing almost felt like a relief, compared to the intense contractions I had. While you still have contractions during the pushing phase, it's just... different. Pushing is more satisfying than just plain ol' contractions. My mom says I calmed down during the pushing phase. Since I had an epidural with Parker, I never got to feel what it's like to push. Well let me tell you, it just feels like you are having the biggest poop of YO life. While I was pushing I kept saying, "IM POOPING!!!" And my hilarious midwife said, "You're not pooping! That's your babies head!" And I was like... "No it's not!!! No way that's a baby! I'm pooping!!" I literally screamed that with EVERY push... how classy of me. My midwife is Scottish and her accent just makes everything better and she kept saying, "I know, it feels like the baby is coming out of your butt and not your vagina. But I promise you, it's your baby's head. Keep pushing." I clung to the side of the pool and pushed with my body to bring Hudson out.
My midwife told me to reach down and feel Hudson's head as I was crowning. I felt Hudson's head and couldn't believe a baby as about to exit my body. I felt pretty intense discomfort at this stage as I felt there was no way my body was going to stretch any further and that I was likely going to burst at the seams.
So- cool facts- my water never broke during any of this, and Hudson was actually being born in his amniotic sac. Once his head came out, the pressure of that is what caused my sac to rupture. Caul births are quite rare, so that was kind of neat! I was making loud noises through all of this which kept waking Parker up. Marnie (Tom's mom) brought him out of his room at 6 am while I was on my last push. When Parker walked in, he said "Oh, hi, dad." Then he saw me and he said, "Mom! Stop making that loud noise!" I just looked at him with tired eyes and began pushing and then BOOM! Hudson was out. Born at 6:06 am. I caught him, and leaned back into the pool and held Hudson on my chest. My body and mind was so overwhelmed by what it had just experienced, that I just fell back and kind of physically/mentally collapsed. I was pretty out of it- and didn't have much emotion. I seriously was in a state of shock. I don't think I really said anything or had much reaction. I was just relieved that experience was over and I think my body/mind was trying to cope with what just happened. I laid there with this beautiful, healthy, baby boy on my chest, with my husband and toddler around me. I felt so blessed to be in the comforts of my own home surrounded by my family. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter moment and I'm so grateful Parker was able to see his brother be born. What an amazing experience.
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| When Hudson was born Tom said, "Parker look who it is!" And Parker said, "It's baby Hudson! And he has green eyes just like you, dad! And he has a nose! And he has a penis, just like me! Hahaha!" It was hilarious. Oh the things toddlers say!!! |
After doing skin to skin with Hudson, my midwife took me to the shower to clean me off, and then got me settled in bed. We weighed/measured Hudson - the midwife asked us all to guess his weight, and I guessed 8 pounds 2 oz and I was RIGHT!
After that, they let me & Tom snuggle our baby and have a nap. My mom was a saint and went to the grocery store and got tons of food for us. Lindsay made me an amazing postpartum smoothie, my doula/midwife/mom/mother in law helped clean things up so when I woke up my house was completely back in order. I had the BEST support system and birth team EVER. Thomas- thank you for being the best husband and partner ever. Thank you for karate chopping the heck out of my back. Mom - thank you for travelling 2x in the middle of the night to ensure you were here for the birth of this baby. I so badly wanted you to be here, and I'm so glad you were. You're my safe place and I love you. Marnie- thank you for taking care of Parker during my delivery and thank you for babysitting Parker for a few days after we had Hudson. You gave Tom and I an amazing gift of bonding with Hudson- our home was so peaceful those first few days and we will cherish that precious time you gave us. Thank you. Aislin- thank you for being such an amazing support throughout pregnancy, labor, and post partum. Thank you for being a safe space to talk about my pregnancy/birth and for believing in me during labor. Jennifer, my midwife- thank you for supporting me throughout my entire pregnancy and for making my dreams of a home birth a reality. Lindsay- thank you for waking up in the middle of the night to come take photos for me. I had no photos with Parker in the hospital and that was one of my biggest regrets. Thank you for documenting such an important day for my family. We love you.
After that, they let me & Tom snuggle our baby and have a nap. My mom was a saint and went to the grocery store and got tons of food for us. Lindsay made me an amazing postpartum smoothie, my doula/midwife/mom/mother in law helped clean things up so when I woke up my house was completely back in order. I had the BEST support system and birth team EVER. Thomas- thank you for being the best husband and partner ever. Thank you for karate chopping the heck out of my back. Mom - thank you for travelling 2x in the middle of the night to ensure you were here for the birth of this baby. I so badly wanted you to be here, and I'm so glad you were. You're my safe place and I love you. Marnie- thank you for taking care of Parker during my delivery and thank you for babysitting Parker for a few days after we had Hudson. You gave Tom and I an amazing gift of bonding with Hudson- our home was so peaceful those first few days and we will cherish that precious time you gave us. Thank you. Aislin- thank you for being such an amazing support throughout pregnancy, labor, and post partum. Thank you for being a safe space to talk about my pregnancy/birth and for believing in me during labor. Jennifer, my midwife- thank you for supporting me throughout my entire pregnancy and for making my dreams of a home birth a reality. Lindsay- thank you for waking up in the middle of the night to come take photos for me. I had no photos with Parker in the hospital and that was one of my biggest regrets. Thank you for documenting such an important day for my family. We love you.
I absolutely love the midwifery care model. For so many reasons. But after I had Hudson, my midwife came to me for the first few follow up appointments. It was AMAZING not having to pack up myself, Parker, and Hudson to go to a clinic for a check up. Jennifer would come see us, and I would be laying in bed still in my pjs. She'd check Hudson & I in the comforts of our own home. It was so nice [I literally was in a robe and diaper during our check ups LOL].
Aislin (my doula) also came to visit a few days after Hudson's birth, and I really enjoyed our conversation. I was able to debrief on my birth experience, and after you have a baby life seems to be a whirlwind. So Tom and I hadn't really talked about the birth. I mean, we talked about how intense and amazing and crazy and beautiful the whole experience was and how much we enjoyed the home birth. But we didn't really dig into the emotional side of it and process the experience together. Aislin facilitated that conversation- and it was SO healthy and SO amazing to be able to be given the space to process the entire experience.
My home birth went pretty flawlessly, honestly. I had a fast labor, my baby arrived safely, I was healthy. It was just like. I went into labor and had my baby. Fast. No tearing. Great recovery. Great delivery. From a medical perspective, it was pretty picture perfect (SO blessed). During this conversation, I was given the safe space to unpack my emotions and experience. Going into the home birth, I had a lot of expectations and a certain "vision" of how I thought it would go. I thought my house renovations would be done (they weren't), I thought I would be a graceful and calm birther (I wasn't), I thought I would have twinkle lights and essential oils and soft music playing (I didn't). I thought my hair and make up would be done (it wasn't), I thought I would be really in tune to Thomas (I wasn't- I was in la-la labor land and wasn't totally aware where he was around me during a lot of the time). I thought I would cry the moment I caught my baby (I didn't). I thought I would read my birth affirmations during labor (I didn't). I wanted to pray during labor or receive a blessing from my husband (I didn't). I had an "idealized" version of what I thought my home birth would be. There was a big part of me that felt embarrassed/guilty/and almost ashamed for my lack of emotion immediately after Hudson was born. I talked about how when Parker was born, my body and mind was totally relaxed (thank you epidural) and so when Parker was born and put onto my chest I immediately started crying and had my "moment" - Tom and I were very in tune with each other. And with Hudson it was just so different because my experience was so intense that my body/mind like- couldn't react or respond in that moment immediately after birth. However, once I got out of the birthing pool, got showered off, got into bed- then they brought Hudson to me to snuggle and have a nap. THAT is when I had my *moment* with him. It was just me, Hudson, and Tom in our bedroom. No one else was around. Hudson was on my chest. The shock/adrenaline had worn off, I was in a more present state of mind. I had some privacy. THAT is when I started crying, holding my son, and connecting with my husband over the incredible experience we had together bringing our son into the world. Aislin reminded me that its OKAY that my *moment* with Hudson wasn't in the birth pool - that its OKAY it was later. Talking through that helped lift the "guilt" I felt for my... flat reaction immediately after his birth. She reminded me that I DID have my moment with Hudson. And to honour that moment.
I also talked about how I really wanted "A thousand years" (lullaby version) by Christina Perri playing during the birth. A thousand years was me and Tom's first dance song at our wedding, and she recently released a lullaby version. My labor experience was so intense that my mind couldn't think of anything besides birthing the baby. So I wasn't able to even think of, or communicate that I wanted the music on. It actually didn't even cross my mind during labor. Well- like I mentioned before, Marnie took Parker the first few days so Tom & I could bond with Hudson & get some rest. The house was SO quiet, SO calm, and SO peaceful. So, when Hudson was 2 days old - I turned on " a thousand years " and I held Hudson and danced around with him in my living room. Tom was sleeping, Parker was at his grandparents. It was just me and Hudson. I held him and danced with him around my living room softly singing the lyrics to him as he was curled up on my chest.
"Time stands still
Aislin (my doula) also came to visit a few days after Hudson's birth, and I really enjoyed our conversation. I was able to debrief on my birth experience, and after you have a baby life seems to be a whirlwind. So Tom and I hadn't really talked about the birth. I mean, we talked about how intense and amazing and crazy and beautiful the whole experience was and how much we enjoyed the home birth. But we didn't really dig into the emotional side of it and process the experience together. Aislin facilitated that conversation- and it was SO healthy and SO amazing to be able to be given the space to process the entire experience.
My home birth went pretty flawlessly, honestly. I had a fast labor, my baby arrived safely, I was healthy. It was just like. I went into labor and had my baby. Fast. No tearing. Great recovery. Great delivery. From a medical perspective, it was pretty picture perfect (SO blessed). During this conversation, I was given the safe space to unpack my emotions and experience. Going into the home birth, I had a lot of expectations and a certain "vision" of how I thought it would go. I thought my house renovations would be done (they weren't), I thought I would be a graceful and calm birther (I wasn't), I thought I would have twinkle lights and essential oils and soft music playing (I didn't). I thought my hair and make up would be done (it wasn't), I thought I would be really in tune to Thomas (I wasn't- I was in la-la labor land and wasn't totally aware where he was around me during a lot of the time). I thought I would cry the moment I caught my baby (I didn't). I thought I would read my birth affirmations during labor (I didn't). I wanted to pray during labor or receive a blessing from my husband (I didn't). I had an "idealized" version of what I thought my home birth would be. There was a big part of me that felt embarrassed/guilty/and almost ashamed for my lack of emotion immediately after Hudson was born. I talked about how when Parker was born, my body and mind was totally relaxed (thank you epidural) and so when Parker was born and put onto my chest I immediately started crying and had my "moment" - Tom and I were very in tune with each other. And with Hudson it was just so different because my experience was so intense that my body/mind like- couldn't react or respond in that moment immediately after birth. However, once I got out of the birthing pool, got showered off, got into bed- then they brought Hudson to me to snuggle and have a nap. THAT is when I had my *moment* with him. It was just me, Hudson, and Tom in our bedroom. No one else was around. Hudson was on my chest. The shock/adrenaline had worn off, I was in a more present state of mind. I had some privacy. THAT is when I started crying, holding my son, and connecting with my husband over the incredible experience we had together bringing our son into the world. Aislin reminded me that its OKAY that my *moment* with Hudson wasn't in the birth pool - that its OKAY it was later. Talking through that helped lift the "guilt" I felt for my... flat reaction immediately after his birth. She reminded me that I DID have my moment with Hudson. And to honour that moment.
I also talked about how I really wanted "A thousand years" (lullaby version) by Christina Perri playing during the birth. A thousand years was me and Tom's first dance song at our wedding, and she recently released a lullaby version. My labor experience was so intense that my mind couldn't think of anything besides birthing the baby. So I wasn't able to even think of, or communicate that I wanted the music on. It actually didn't even cross my mind during labor. Well- like I mentioned before, Marnie took Parker the first few days so Tom & I could bond with Hudson & get some rest. The house was SO quiet, SO calm, and SO peaceful. So, when Hudson was 2 days old - I turned on " a thousand years " and I held Hudson and danced around with him in my living room. Tom was sleeping, Parker was at his grandparents. It was just me and Hudson. I held him and danced with him around my living room softly singing the lyrics to him as he was curled up on my chest.
"Time stands still
Beauty in all he is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more."
This was SUCH a special moment for me. I was allowing myself to accept and celebrate the fact that I WAS able to have that moment with Hudson and this song - and that its OKAY it didn't happen during the home birth. It's OKAY that it didn't happen how I THOUGHT it would, but to recognize and CELEBRATE that I DID have that moment with Hudson. And it was BEAUTIFUL and really special. This song was so special to me because it reminds me of Tom [obviously- first dance song]- and it's so funny how the lyrics speak to you depending on what life stage you're in. I'll break down why this song means so much to me in regards to Hudson:
"Time stands still
Beauty in all he is [my beautiful son- will always be beautiful and precious to me.]
I will be brave [I can birth this baby safely at home. I can have a successful, drug free labor. I can be brave and face the pain. I can do this].
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, every hour has come to this [Every day of my life was a step in my journey that led me to Hudson's arrival. Meeting Tom, dating tom, Marrying Tom, 7 years of marriage, all of these events led up to the beginning of Hudson. The past 9 months has led me to this moment of labor and delivery]
One step closer [every contraction brings me one step closer to meeting you]
I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more. [I knew you before you were born, and I'll love you for eternity. Part of my eternal family.]"
So- Why Home Birth?
Tom and I had so many people who thought we were crazy for having a home birth. I eventually just stopped telling people about our home birth because I was a little bit tired of hearing everyone's judgements. The things is- I totally know everyone comes from a good place, and that they are reflecting opinions based on their own experiences.
Like I had mentioned before, there's a chance this could be my last pregnancy (Tom and I wanted two kids but who knows, maybe we'll have three. Never say never). BUT! If this was my last pregnancy, I wanted to be a full participant in my labor. I had an epidural with Parker, and while I LOVED the epidural, and had a good experience, I felt like I was a passive member of my own birth experience - like the nurses and doctors were delivering my baby, more than I was. And you know what - for my first baby that's exactly what I wanted because I was terrified of the birth process. Absolutely terrified. I didn't want to feel anything- and I honestly didn't want to experience labor. I was scared. After having Parker, I realized my body COULD do it- and the fear and unknown of labor subsided. The passage of time also helped, I'm sure. LOL. So! I knew I wanted to experience labor in it's fullness - it's an experience that is so unique to women that I wanted to experience - ALL of it. So, I knew I wanted a midwife with this pregnancy. The model of care really resonated with me and I began doing some research. I hoped for a drug free birth, and they call water "Nature's Epidural." So I knew I wanted a water birth to help manage the pain during labor. At my first midwife appointment I asked if I could have a water birth at the hospital. At the two hospitals she delivers at, water births are not permitted so we talked about the possibility of a home birth. I talked to Tom about it, and at the beginning he was VERY skeptical, and VERY hesitant. He wanted to do more research. So, that's exactly what we did. We watched many documentaries, read a lot of research articles, consulted friends who had home births. All of our research was very positive and for low risk pregnancies, home birth started to sound like an amazing option. I know myself and my personality and I KNEW that if I was in the hospital, I would ask for drugs. While at home, there's literally no option for drugs. So I knew I would be more successful in having a a drug free, water birth experience in my home. Also, if you read the "header quote" of my blog it reads: "A home is much more than a house built of lumber, brick, or stone. A home is made of love, sacrifice, and respect. We are responsible for the homes we build. We must build wisely, for eternity is not a short voyage. There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth." -Thomas Monson
Tom and I do believe that our home, if cultivated correctly, is and can be a piece of heaven on earth. We had recently bought our first home, and we both agreed that it would be SO special to welcome our baby to the world, here, in the comforts of our own, heavenly home. Tom also works with Aislin- our doula. And in the beginning stages when we started researching home birth, Aislin said she would hold a spot for us in October to be our doula. I had little awareness of what a doula was, or their role in labor- but I am SO grateful Aislin reached out because she was so helpful and a blessing- she comforted both Tom and I throughout pregnancy and the birthing experience. I was so excited when Tom and I came to a mutual decision that we would pursue a home birth. If you're interested in home birth and want more education around it, I highly recommend watching: The Business of Being Born, and "Why not home". You can find both of them online. Also read the Birth Issues magazine published by the ASAC (Association for safe alternatives in childbirth). They post many research articles regarding home vs hospital birth. There's a lot of things that stuck out to me, but a few things are: Midwifery care is the primary model used in Europe. Home births are very common, with very high success rate [healthy mom and healthy baby]. That the research shows there is virtually the same risk level for 2nd time birthing mothers having a home birth vs. hospital birth. The risk is the same. We are raised to believe that we are completely safe in a hospital, but there is still risk birthing there. Just like there is at home. I feel both safe at a hospital and at home. Knowing I was a low risk pregnancy, I again felt comfortable birthing at home. Also- a midwife is a trained MEDICAL professional. They receive 4 years of specialized training in CHILD BIRTH. They come to your home with ALL the same medical equipment that a smaller hospital has (so for example, a midwife brings all the same medical equipment that you would find at the Lacombe hospital. I was born at the Lacombe hospital, and me and my mom were fine. A lot of my friends have had their babies at the Lacombe hospital. No one judges them for putting themselves or baby at risk. If something goes wrong in labor- or mom/baby need higher supports- guess what happens? The Lacombe hospital transfers you to Red Deer Hospital where they have higher levels of care available to you. This is the same situation as a home birth. If you are having a home birth and mom/baby needs a higher level of care, they transfer you. Yet if you are in the Lacombe hospital and receive a transfer, there's way less judgement because you were in a hospital to begin with. Our culture and lack of education regarding home birth/birthing options is just so fascinating to me. PLEASE don't get me wrong- I LOVE hospitals, I LOVE doctors. I'm not anti-hospital or anti-doctor at ALL. I LOVE my family doctor who delivered Parker. I am GRATEFUL for hospitals and interventions because they can be LIFE SAVING and NECESSARY for some births. I do NOT think home birth is the right choice for everyone. Midwives only accept patients if they are a low-risk pregnancy and good candidate for home birth. They will never put you at risk if you should be in a hospital or need more care. My birth with Parker went very well, and I was again a low risk pregnancy with Hudson. I was a great candidate for a home birth. I felt calm and confident in my decision. The research told me that I was not putting myself or my baby at risk by having a planned home birth.
I also read the book "A Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May and it was AMAZING. The first half of the book is seriously just women sharing their birth stories. You read story, after story, after story, of women who had drug-free births. It was SO empowering and encouraging to read of all these women who DID IT. Like- it IS possible and women all over the world for million years have been birthing babies- and I can too! That's how it made me feel. The second half of the book talks about the biology/physiology of birth. I wanted to educate and mentally prepare myself for this experience, and this book REALLY helped (horse lips, anyone? Your body is NOT a lemon, anyone?) I highly recommend this book and fell in love with Ina May. What an incredible advocate for mothers, babies, and birth. This book affirmed to me, that I can do this.
Looking back and reflecting on my entire experience - I am really proud of myself for more than just birthing "drug free." I am proud of myself for creating a safe space for my son to grow- for keeping a strong and healthy body where he could thrive and develop. I'm proud of myself for continuing to work throughout my pregnancy even though I felt sick for the majority of it. I'm proud of myself for educating myself on birth options and obtaining knowledge. I'm proud of myself for having unity with my husband. I am proud of myself for preparing Parker for his little brother. I am proud of myself for being the passage-way for Hudson between Heaven and Earth. I am proud of myself for being strong during labor and delivery. I'm proud of myself for being trusted by Heavenly Father to be the mom to Parker and Hudson even though I feel grossly inadequate.
My entire pregnancy with Hudson was very empowering. I had an AMAZING experience from start - to - finish. I believe the midwifery model of care creates and sustains healthy mothers and babies - both physically AND mentally. I believe birth can be a natural event vs. a medical event. I believe women are strong. I believe bodies know how to birth babies. I will hold this experience so close to my heart for the rest of my life.
It was the most beautiful, and intense day of my life.
Welcome to the world baby Hudson.
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