On February 16, 2016 we were delighted to find out we were pregnant with our first baby. Our due date would have been right around the end of October/beginning of November, and we thought that was the perfect way to celebrate our 4 year anniversary! We felt so blessed. Tom had just graduated University, was just hired to a really great job, I was working at a job I loved and my contract had recently been extended until December 2016. Things were picture perfect in my mind. I even remember saying to Tom: "people tell me not to plan so much, but I feel like I make good plans- and they've all worked out flawlessly thus far!" Little did I know, my "picture perfect plan" would be shattered only 5 days later. I loved my 5 days with this baby. I was 5 weeks pregnant when we miscarried. Some people in my shoes may not have even known they were pregnant. It was very early. But even though I only knew of that pregnancy for 5 days, I had developed such a strong bond with my little "sesame seed." Seeing the excitement on my husband's face when we found out. The 5 nights of conversations we had discussing our dreams and hopes for baby. Who was this baby? What was their name going to be? When was their birthday going to be? We had our first prenatal scheduled for the very next weekend. We didn't even make it long enough to our first doctors appointment. My body had been feeling strange the whole week, and I was experiencing light cramping the whole time, but all the pregnancy blogs I read said that could be normal and not to worry. I was photographing a wedding the Saturday before it happened, and that night I noticed light spotting. But again, I was being optimistic and read that it was most likely "implantation bleeding." That Sunday I woke up to my worst fears being realized. I was losing the baby.
I felt empty. Powerless. Like I had no control. Heartbroken. Confused. Scared. Like I had failed my family. I knew this wasn't my fault but I felt like as a mother you do everything to protect your child and I had felt like my body had failed me. My body was rejecting this beautiful spirit that I so desperately wanted to bring into the world. I didn't really know how to process the loss. I wondered- should I even be sad? It was only 5 weeks. I had only known for 5 days. I didn't even know for a week! I should be tougher. I shouldn't cry. Get up and move on. It's fine. But I didn't feel fine. My heart was broken. I didn't know how to grieve. Or what to grieve. But it was a loss that made my heart feel empty. I am so beyond grateful for my amazing husband who just held me and loved me and grieved with me. I am beyond grateful for loving parents and in-laws. For friends and supportive co-workers. I went from such a high, to such a deep low, so fast. At first I wanted to stand on the rooftops and tell everyone I was pregnant, but then when we lost the baby I didn't want to grieve alone. I wondered how to tell people. I wondered if I should just bear the burden alone. For me I decided to share the news publicly- I wanted people to know that I was pregnant. I didn't want to hide that. I recognize that everyone heals differently- and that for some women, sharing it would not be helpful. I don't want to diminish anyones grieving process. This was just mine. I was so honoured to have conceived that child and letting people know was part of my healing process. My husband asked the question "why is this something we shouldn't talk about? I know that people always wait until 3 months before announcing a pregnancy, but if you announce a pregnancy and lose the baby, why can't we discuss that openly? Of all things, why is that a taboo subject?"
I can't say thank you enough to the people who reached out to us in support. It meant the world to us. Even if I didn't know what to say in return, or how to thank you, I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I had close friends/family message me, call me, text me, email me, telling me about their experiences and miscarriages, and though all of our stories are unique and different I took so much comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. That women experience this, and that they do get through it. Though the journey is not easy there is healing. Through many tears and angry prayers to God that turned into a sobbing mess with me laying on the floor or curled up in my bed, I felt like I reevaluated my beliefs and I feel this experience strengthened my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Everyone has their own thoughts on this but I truly believe that little embryo will be part of my family and that I will have the chance to raise that baby one day. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that won't happen. I guess only time will tell but I take comfort in that thought. I take comfort in the thought that the little spirit that was sent to me was too holy to come to earth and that they are back in Heaven - a place that is forever safe and full of love. What more could a mother ask for their children? If anyone is reading this who has also had a miscarriage- this song really helped me. It's called "I will carry you" - Selah.
Another song that I recently heard and fell in love with is by Hillary Scott of Lady Antebellum. She wrote this song about her miscarriage.
"There were photographs I wanted to take. Things I wanted to show you. Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes. Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I'm not. Truth is I'm barely hanging out. But there's a greater story, written long before me. Because he lives you like this.
I will carry you while your heart beats here. Long beyond the empty cradle through the coming years. I will carry you all my life. And I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you.
Such a short time, such a long road, all this madness but I know that the silence has brought me to His Voice, and He says:
I've shown her photographs of time beginning, walked her through the parted seas. Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes. Who could love her like this?
I will carry you, while your heart beats here. Long beyond the empty cradle, through the coming years. I will carry you all your life. I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you."
Another song that I recently heard and fell in love with is by Hillary Scott of Lady Antebellum. She wrote this song about her miscarriage.
"I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear, so I followed through, somehow I ended up here. I don't wanna think, I may never understand, that my broken heart, is part of Your plan. when I try to pray, all I've got is hurt and these four words: Thy will be done.
I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now. And I know You think of things I could never think about. It's hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense of all Your promises- sometimes I gotta stop and remember that You're God and I am not, so- Thy Will Be Done. Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is Thy Will Be Done.
I know You see me. I know You hear me Lord. Your plans are for me. Goodness You have in store, so Thy will Be Done."
After a month and a half of good days, bad days, healing, and faith, we found out (ironically) on April 1, 2016 (April Fool's Day) that we were pregnant with baby #2!!! I'm not going to lie, I felt a lot of nervous anticipation taking the pregnancy test. It brought back a lot of fresh memories that were quite painful. I was hesitant. But as I sat there and waited, I saw the faintest of faint 2 lines appear. I had to basically convince tom that YES there were two lines and that YES i'm pretty sure we are pregnant! I had bought these super cheap HCG test strips off Amazon for a pack of 30 tests for $15 (because a clear blue test costs like $25 for 2). But, after using the cheap amazon tests I went out that night and bought a clear blue test anyways so I guess it didn't really matter. Pregnancy confirmed. We were 4 weeks pregnant!
Baby Pasterfield at exactly 7 weeks 0 days!
So the journey begins again. This time my pregnancy felt different. No cramping, and at 5.5 weeks I started feeling VERY sick. Now I mean, VERY sick. I remember waking up one day feeling "motion sick." I was trying to eat healthy for baby and was eating strawberries in bed after telling Tom "I'm not going to work today." My amazing upstairs neighbour, and friend, Serena had been telling me about these anti-nausea prenatals that she had (B6+Ginger), so I made my way upstairs, knocked on her door and asked her for some. She gave me some, and I ran downstairs and had my first pregnancy puke. I was almost excited- like things were moving in the right direction. Little did I know that the vomiting would not stop for another 10 weeks. I have never been so sick in my life. My mom got pretty sick with all 4 of her pregnancies as well, and with my brother was even hospitalized cause it got so bad. Luckily I never had to be hospitalized (even though I thought I was going to lose my mind). I missed many days of work, became a social recluse, and threw up anywhere from 1x-3x/day, while feeling nauseous literally all day everyday. I would throw up immediately when I woke up, that was a given, in the shower, I threw up on my lawn one night after getting out of my car, threw up at Tom's convocation at the Jubilee (first time throwing up in public, that was fun.. not). Everyone kept asking me if I had any pregnancy cravings yet and I was like NOPE I have like... anti-cravings. Absolutely NOTHING sounded good to me. One time Tom tried to be a sweetie and made me quesadillas, and I just so desperately wanted to keep some food down. So I ate them. Then immediately threw them up. The worst was throwing up my cream cheese lemon/dill cucumber sandwich. That was a painful, painful puke. It's a shame because pre-pregnancy I freaking loved those sandwiches! It got so bad that I went back to my doctor and they prescribed me diclectin- which I felt did not really help me, but I consistently took it hoping and praying it would take off the edge. To all my friends and family who I likely ignored for a solid 14 weeks - I'm so sorry! Thank you for being patient with me! I truly felt like it took everything in me just to show up Monday-Friday at my job. When I came home I would immediately get into my pjays, likely throw up, and go to bed. That was my repeat routine for the first 14 weeks of pregnancy! Literally in survival mode. So if I was a miserable human being to be around, I really do apologize haha. I really was just trying to function and survive. Not gonna lie, it was very emotionally and physically challenging for me, but at the same time I was so grateful because all that vomit meant that baby was developing and those hormones were just increasing! So to all of you who supported me through being so physically ill - thank you!
So I'm going to back it up here. So yes. From weeks 5-14 I was very sick. I'm now almost 17 weeks and from weeks 14-17 I have only been throwing up a maximum of 3x/week. That's a significant improvement from 3x/day... so I'll take it! I'm starting to feel like "me" again, and not like a zombie. :) But, after the initial "rush" of excitement when we first found out we were pregnant there were definitely fears. I was spotting from weeks 5-7, so my doctor sent me for an early ultrasound (as seen above). The ultrasound found that I was exactly 7 weeks pregnant... and due on.. dun dun dun... December 13, 2016! We are having a December baby! And that is actually my dad's birthday, which I found to be very special. I almost felt like it was my Heavenly Father saying "I got you" and showing his love to me through my Earthly Father. I have the greatest dad in the world and couldn't be more excited that this baby shares his birthday (well, for now, we'll see what baby decides come December)!
To Our Rainbow Baby:
"A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison."
